5 Simple Rules for Dating the Girl I Love
by moonmagicks
Summary: Marauder-era, Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa Black, and what one does when said object of affection isn't getting subtle hints. LuciusNarcissa


5 Simple Rules for Dating the Girl I Love

by artemis.

Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa Black, and what one does when said object of affection isn't getting subtle hints.

**1: You need to be pureblood, and of the highest pedigree for that matter.**

Lucius yawned, shuffling through pathetic love letter after love letter. Rookmar, Augustus, Crabbe, Goyle...and Smith. He stared incredulously at the envelope which was from Smith. As in, the mudblood moron from Gryffindor. That was just absolutely disgusting, if not horribly revolting. That boy was light-years away from dating his Narcissa. Well, not like the other suitors weren't, but a mudblood?

"Incendio," he muttered, burning them all to ashes.

Narcissa blinked innocently at Lucius, not at all aware of his activities. Lucius smirked in return, adding jokingly:

"I have a reservation for the Le Fay tonight?"

Narcissa laughed, saying: "Sorry, but McNair's already invited me to the Three Broomsticks!" And she lept off their shared couch in the Syltherin Common Room, bounding off to go greet said date.

Alone, and feeling abandoned, Lucius scowled. He had missed that letter.

**2: No public displays of affection when she is in my range of sight.**

Lucius twitched. A certain youthful Crouch wasn't quite able to keep his hands off his lovely date for the night. One night only, Lucius reminded himself. Just a simple little dinner, and maybe some conversation. Only if he was in a good mood, of course. But Barty was not keeping his filthy hands off Narcissa. He'd already had one of them entangled with her gloved one (Lucius thanked Salazar for the invention of those things), and the other was trying to cup her face.

"Expelliarmus," Lucius droned, shooting a quick spark of magic that knocked Barty off his feet. Narcissa gasped, and Lucius sneered.

Failure.

Sadly, Barty didn't quite get the message, and in a mere ten minutes, was trying to engage in lip-to-lip action with the youngest Black sister. Within five seconds, his lips were quite the sickening shade of purple, with Narcissa looking more relieved than worried. Of course, Lucius had to leave pretty quickly after that, but he was certain that his previous spell of binding the arms together would put Barty in check.

**3: You need to keep her in my range of sight, at all times, or there will be hell to pay.**

"Darling, why don't we go on a little walk?" Saoler Flint tried pathetically, while Narcissa smiled innocently and allowed him to lead her out of the low-class establishment. Of course, she was a proper lady, and would never complain about the pathetic lighting...or the slightly putrid-looking food, but it certainly was more than alright to look happy at a "romantic" walk, right?

Lucius, not quite so cleverly concealed behind a month-old version of the Daily Prophet, was seething. He had already discussed his rules for dating Narcissa before the start of the date, Saoler should have memorized them by now! He knew that the stupid little fourth year was trying to get Narcissa away from him, and the safety he provided her, which made it all the more infuriating.

Thankfully, Lucius had charmed Flint's shoes before the whole encounter (to be truthful, he had done it as soon as the other boy had glanced at Narcissa), and he needed not even move out of his seat in order to exact revenge.

He simply flicked out his wand, whispered "Gracium Rotatatin" in the general direction he felt Flint might be heading.

Narcissa came back to the Slytherin common room two hours later, only to see a slightly-too-innocent Lucius, reclining on their sofa and reading some sort of Quidditch manual or another. She wrinkled her nose, oh, how she hated that game passionately! Plopping herself down on the same couch, Lucius casually looked at her, drawling out (in only the most politely bored tone ever):

"How was Mr. Flint?"

"Oh, it was terrible!" Narcissa exclaimed, only too eager to have someone hear of her dating horrors, "I mean, he had us eat at a slightly run-down place, but that wasn't even the start: he said we shoudl go walking, and then he just randomly starting spinning like a ballet dancer!" Narcissa pouted unhappily, "Which wasn't too horrible, I suppose, but he managed to spin himself into a wall! And then I had to take him to Madame Pomfrey, and...and...!"

She stopped, noticing how Lucius had covered his mouth with the book to still the laughter.

"Oh it's not that funny! Stop laughing!" She playfully hit him.

"Yes, yes it rather is," he replied, and she realized just how funny the whole situation was, and the two of them lapsed into careless laughter.

**4: Don't use stupid little endearments, or you're not going to live long enough for her to use them for you.**

Lucius really didn't like the current date of Narcissa. True, he didn't any of her dates, but he really didn't like this one. For starters, he wasn't JUST a pureblood of low pedigreen, nor was he JUST unable to keep his hands to himself, and he wasn't JUST able to keep Narcissa in his range of sight, but he ALSO felt it necessary to NEVER refer to her as "Narcissa" or "Ms. Black", but rather, called her a million stupid nicknames that he probably read out of a PlayWitch booklet.

"Sweetycakes, you're just the..."

Twitch.

"Charm-doll, you know that I would do almost anything for..."

Twitch.

"Wand-polisher..."

Snap.

That was definitely the last straw. Pressing two fingers to his Dark Mark, Lucius muttered the name: "Severus", as he waited patiently for the Potions Master to appear. Of course, the half-blood was bloody taking his time, but he probably knew what Lucius wanted as well. He absent-mindedly stirred Butterbeer, trying not to pay too much attention to the disgusting set of nicknames certain people were able to come up with.

"Here's the potion," Snape monotoned, passing to Lucius a miniscule vial with clear liquid.

Veritaserum. The Truth Potion.

Lucius thanked him, and the two of them went towards the door, Lucius paying the bargirl to dump a concoction into the unfortunate date's drink.

Of course, Narcissa came home in tears, telling them all how horrible her date was, and how many terrible names he had called her. He had said the only reason he was dating her was for her blood and beauty. Lucius smirked at a job well done. Snape hid a smile.

**5: You have to be Lucius Malfoy.**

Narcissa sighed an unbelievably ladylike sigh, flipping a page in her potions textbook. Lucius raised an eyebrow delicately, wondering why she didn't have a date tonight. Maybe said date was ditching? Although, he didn't quite remember marking anyone down for today.

"I'm rather bored," she remarked, flipping a little bit too fast for it to be believable that she was reading. Lucius, again, jokingly replied:

"I have a reservation for the Le Fay tonight?"

Narcissa smiled, sitting up and closing the book, while replying:

"I'd love to!" And she looped her arm delicately through his as he led the way towards the high-class, top-rate establishment. He rather liked the way her arm seemed to fit perfectly into the crook of his. Of course, the pleasure was all his.


End file.
